Before beginning this post, we must warn some of our more sensitive readers that we have worked in several jokes about adipose tissue. If such a topic makes you weepy, consider grabbing a box of tissues now. But not a box of adipose tissues, mind you.
It was not until I saw what could be called "modern quilting" that I realized that one can make a quilt by use of a machine. Since my great-grandmothers did quilts by hand, I had never realized that there was such a thing as a quilting machine. These newfangled machines can quilt ornate patterns into your blanket. Probably the next best invention after the cotton gin and the spandex body suit. (Hmmmmm, a quilted body suit made of cotton......if that ever is a thing, we thought of it first).
Engineer J is currently making a quilted table runner. I do not know if it will ever actually make it to our table, since our dinner table is usually covered in an assortment of cookware (clean cookware, mind you).
The kitchen table we have is a piece of garbage, honestly. A chair from our old table broke, so the onsite manager for our apartment decided to buy us a whole new table from the Internet. Good thing our rent goes to worthy causes. I think it cost more to ship this garbage table than it did to actually make the table. And shipping was only $5.99. |
Instead of chairs, this table has benches. Picture short versions of 17th century Puritan church pews. Dreadfully uncomfortable to sit on. No padding. Edges that dig into your legs and back. Over time, we have developed uses for these pews that do not rely on their being used for eating. Let's just say the home teachers could only stand sitting on them for 11 minutes.
Since the end of the month is fast approaching, feel free to drop by and borrow the pews. We already have reservations for June 26 at 2:30 pm, 4:00 pm, and "sometime after church." We also have a tentative arrangement with a family four blocks over for June 30 at 11:45 pm. (Hey, if their home teachers can last longer than 15 minutes on the pews of death, they can also count their visit for July. Just sayin').
Since the end of the month is fast approaching, feel free to drop by and borrow the pews. We already have reservations for June 26 at 2:30 pm, 4:00 pm, and "sometime after church." We also have a tentative arrangement with a family four blocks over for June 30 at 11:45 pm. (Hey, if their home teachers can last longer than 15 minutes on the pews of death, they can also count their visit for July. Just sayin').
Maybe it is horrible, but we usually just eat on the couch and watch TV. Perhaps this is why people balloon up after getting married. Mixing TV with food is usually a recipe for disaster. Not only does it cause what one of my former roommates called "crumb bum" (i.e. old pieces of food between the cushions), eating on the couch is also associated with lower self esteem, epicardial adipose tissue (EAT), cognitive decline, pulmonary blockage, and binge eating of an entire quart of peach yogurt with a bed sheet over your head. (It was 2010 and we were incarcerated in The Hood. He was in a low place, but is better now).
Neither of us here at DE have ballooned up after marriage, so hope springs eternal that we can keep it that way. Luckily, since our apartment is usually about 90 °F, this has helped us sweat off any weight we might be gaining otherwise. It is not effective as Weight Watchers' 30-day guaranteed "Slim and Sexy" program (only $29.99 + TAX / week!), but nevertheless we have had some success with the natural sauna method. If you are sweating, it's exercise, right? This is why Arizona has the lowest rate of obesity in the world.
Of course, there are times where you do not want to be on the weight loss highway. One of these times is when you are sleeping. If you have ever had to sleep in the heat of the summer, you probably know that a fan is rather helpful.
There are various theories that some experts float around that say that one should not sleep with a fan. After all, a fan can cause hypothermia or suffocation. A few of you may be familiar with what we are talking about. If you are afraid of these repercussions of "fan death," please disregard our advice about sleeping with a fan, and continue your weight loss regimen as you sleep.
The topic for next week is yet to be determined. Most likely there will be no further jokes about adiposity. But there might still be jokes about home teachers. It sort of depends on how many cookies they bring and how long they stay. (Cue the peach on the tongue jokes.....).
Of course, there are times where you do not want to be on the weight loss highway. One of these times is when you are sleeping. If you have ever had to sleep in the heat of the summer, you probably know that a fan is rather helpful.
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| The Power Fan |
There are various theories that some experts float around that say that one should not sleep with a fan. After all, a fan can cause hypothermia or suffocation. A few of you may be familiar with what we are talking about. If you are afraid of these repercussions of "fan death," please disregard our advice about sleeping with a fan, and continue your weight loss regimen as you sleep.
The topic for next week is yet to be determined. Most likely there will be no further jokes about adiposity. But there might still be jokes about home teachers. It sort of depends on how many cookies they bring and how long they stay. (Cue the peach on the tongue jokes.....).
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